=====Henry Starling=====

There is a grave, well-tended to but not often visited. Someone pays someone to do that, those who would mourn spend far more energy avoiding thinking about it. So it’s a surprise to see a very well dressed man, approaching this particular grave.

He’s dressed in the black he never wore during the season, the black that he never got to wear at the funeral he couldn’t attend. He nods awkwardly and stiffly to the people he passes – a wife visiting her husband for their anniversary, a woman in black talking animatedly to a stiff man fidgeting with his gloves, a child running past with no regard for the solemnity of the location being told off for laughing by a nanny. 

Eventually he cannot distract himself further with the other people; he has arrived and there is nothing to do but look at the stone he’s been avoiding.

Duke Starling stands at the grave of Duke Starling, and doesn’t know what to say.

That’s never stopped him before, and so he opens his mouth and starts talking.

“Hello mother, father. How are you? Well, you’re dead, I suppose. Sorry. I’m here now. Clearly. You know that. Unless you don’t? I don’t know how it works where you are. I hope it’s nice.”

Finally he makes himself shut up, wringing his hands in despair at himself. They used to be the easiest people in the world to talk to. He was supposed to get better at this, not worse.

“Albion is doing well. I think. He’s married now. I – I messed that up, but I think it’s going to be okay. He’s… he’s so strong. I don’t know how he just – just weathers everything. I know he feels things, deep down, but he just keeps going. It’s incredible. He’s incredible. You’d be so proud.”

This is easier. His brother makes things easier. Also, a great deal harder in many cases. But still.

“I hope you’d be proud of me too. People tell me you would be. The Darlings have been brilliant. I spend a lot of time with them now. More than I do at home, the servants are confused but… I’m not married yet. I’m still not good at speaking with people. And I still indulge in – going to the library and other hobbies that aren’t very Duke-like. I’m told you wouldn’t have been upset at that, that it doesn’t ruin the family name but I just don’t know.”

He takes a deep breath and is surprised to find that he is angry. He didn’t expect to be. He hasn’t been for a long time, barely even in his whole life. Even when he was shouting at his brother, when he seemed furious he hadn’t felt that. He’d just felt terrified.

“I don’t think I know you. I didn’t know Albie when I’d got back. And I have all this pressure that I feel about you and being your heir, but I don’t think it came from you. I’m told it didn’t at least. I was away too long. I needed to be, sending me away was the very best thing that happened to me and what I needed, but it – sometimes I wish you hadn’t done it.”

He’s breathing heavily now, not sure if he’s whispering or shouting, wishing on some level this revelation wasn’t happening in a public place.

“Then I would know my brother, I would know what you wanted from me. And I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t know what it’s like to not feel their eyes on me, to be away from society and know what I’m supposed to be doing. I wouldn’t know that kind of freedom, I wouldn’t be able to miss it.”

The anger, all of a sudden, is gone. With it, he feels very small. He feels like he is what he’s always been; a son trying to make his parents proud, and a man looking for simple answers. 

“Sorry. It’s not your fault. You loved me, you prioritised what I needed.”

He hears himself, and laughs. Maybe he does know what they would want from him.

“I’ll come again soon. I’ll let you know about this book I’ve been reading.”

A strange weight lifted from his shoulder, Henry leaves the graveyard. He smiles at the people he passes.

//-- Written by Gemma C.//